Harry's Extra-Appendage
by ALRYM
Summary: There is a rumor about Harry's... You-Know-What. And who else to tell him about it than Hermione? (The answer is anybody. Alas, this was a rhetoric question.)


**Harry's Extra-Appendage**

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Summary: There is a rumor about Harry's... You-Know-What. And who else to tell him about it than Hermione? (The answer is anybody! Alas, this was a rhetoric question.)

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Wherever Harry went, witches were blushing. Whenever he turned around, he caught at least one or two of them goggling him. All-day, he heard suppressed giggles.

He had no idea what this was about. But after a few hours, it was starting to annoy him. So, he did the one thing he always fell back on when he was out of his depth. He went to ask Hermione about it.

He found her in the Gryffindor's common room. She was working on an essay about Hippogriffs. Kind of panicky he asked, "When is that due?"

She looked up at him with that disapproving frown he dreaded. "You should use the homework planner I gave you! This," She gestured meaningfully at her parchment, "is for extra credit."

Harry sighed in relief. He sat down at Hermione's table and listened to the sound of her feather scratching over the parchment. After a while, he remembered that he had had a reason to seek her out. "Hermione?"

The witch in question did not look up from her essay as she asked absentmindedly, "Is there something else, Harry?"

"Do you know why girls have been looking at me so weirdly all day?"

Hermione's head jerked upwards and she looked around. Her hair whipped in all directions as her head turned sharply. She cast "Muffliato!" and asked, "Which girls?"

Harry noticed that the witches who had stolen secret glances were very suspiciously staring anywhere but at their table. He even spotted one of them trying to engage a painting in a conversation nobody ever talked to. The old wizard made a quite confused impression. "Like all of them?" The young wizard answered insecurely.

"Oh no..." whispered Hermione and blanched visibly.

Her reaction was anything but reassuring. "Oh no? What is that supposed to mean?"

She squeaked "Nothing!" and resumed working on her essay. Only that she wasn't really. On closer inspection, Harry saw that she just held her quill close to the parchment and tried to make it bob like she was writing.

"Hermione, what did you do?"

"Me?" She laughed nervously. "I did nothing. What should I have done? I was just minding my own business."

"Like you're doing now?"

"Yes, exactly!" Hermione nodded her head hastily.

Harry told her in just one word that he would not leave her alone until he got answers, "Hermione?"

"Okay, maybe I told Lavender and Parvati something in the heat of the moment."

"And what?"

Hermione snapped. "I told them you were hung like the proverbial griffin."

"Ha. Ha. Very funny," Harry applauded dryly. "What did you really tell them."

Hermione's head hung low and she let go of an exasperated sigh. "Lavender wanted to know, how long your nose was."

"My nose?" Harry asked incredulously.

Hermione nodded once again. "That was precisely my reaction!"

"What's got my nose to do with anything?"

"And that's exactly what I asked Lavender." Hermione explained in a rush, "Turns out someone told Lavender and Parvati that stupid theory about noses and... you-know. And that was why she asked me about your nose."

Harry groaned on behalf of Lavender, "I can't believe she fell for something like that!" And in the privacy of his head, he added, 'Or that you won't say penis."

"Yes exactly! I couldn't believe it either," Hermione turned back to her parchment. Her quill bobbed frantically. It looked so very much like she was faking to write again.

Harry's voice had a warning tone, "Hermione?"

The quill stopped. "Yes?"

He informed her, "I can tell the difference between you writing and acting as if you do so," After a dramatic pause he asked, "Is there something else you want to tell me?"

Hermione shyly bit her bottom lip. "Well. I told Lavender and Parvati that there was no correlation between the size of a man's nose and his... extra-appendage. I told them that the theory was utter rubbish." She hastily looked down but she did not try to fake writing this time.

"And what else have you told them?"

"It was not so much something I said but something they said. They had the nerve to tell me I had no idea about... that because I had never seen a... man down there."

"And then you said?"

Hermione responded fiercely, "That I had done so!"

"Really? When? And whom?" Harry surprised himself by looking around as if he would be able to spot said person now that he knew about him.

Hermione hissed at him, "It was in a book!"

"Oh! Oh... okay." Harry nodded in a relaxed manner at Hermione and leaned back. He congratulated the two of them silently for settling the manner like responsible adults despite being still students. He calmly watched Hermione resume working on her essay.

Her quill was bobbing uncontrollably.

"That was still not all, was it?"

Hermione crumpled in her armchair. "No."

"Would you please tell me the rest of it without me having to probe you?"

Hermione nodded grudgingly. She took a deep breath and started to ramble, "So they bombarded me with question whom I had seen and when. And they were asking for details. And at the same time, they were doubting that I had seen a real one. And I didn't want to tell them the truth because it would have made me look pathetic. And I also didn't want to back down. So I told them a lie – and they are the worst gossips ever to spread it!" Hermione took a deep breath. "I told them I knew the theory was rubbish because I had seen... yours. When you were at the Weasley and taking a shower in the summer. And..."

Harry's heart skipped a beat and he unintentionally interrupted Hermione, "You saw mine?"

"No, I made that up!" Hermione blushed furiously.

Harry's face felt as hot as Hermione's looked. He let his eyes drift through the common room just so he didn't have to look at her. Once again, he caught various people turning away hastily. "So that's the reason they're all looking at me?"

"Well..."

He groaned, "What else have you told them?"

Hermione held her hands apart. Like she was showing him the size of a fish she had caught. It really confused Harry until she revealed, "I told them you were this big."

Harry's jaw dropped and he gawked at her. "How would that even fit into my pants?"

Hermione snapped, "I meant it sarcastically! After all, your cock is none of their business!" Then she slapped both her hands over her mouth as she realized in hindsight which word she had just used.


End file.
